Have you ever let fear rule your life?
There was a time when I would have said "no." There was a time when I thought, honestly believed, to the very core of my being, that this was something I was incapable of experiencing. Granted, I had my fears and doubts, but they never stopped me from believing. Then, the day came where I woke up to realize that I buried myself in despair and had bit off more than I could chew. in fact, my appetite only burrowed me further from the Light.
The awakening from this slumber, into which I unassumingly slipped somewhere in the murky haze of the past few years, marks the turning of the page to a new chapter in my life, I'll call it "The Sun Rises Once More."
Back in the day I felt that I had a good grasp on life. I lived with joy and passion and loved every second of it. After high school I went off to college because I was gifted the opportunity and it seemed a sensible and fun thing to do. I missed something along the way, though, and as my freshman year progressed this became evident to me. I simply declined to do my work and I consequently failed out. I realized my lackadaisical do-nothing-to-address-obvious-behavioral-patterns approach was, indeed, getting me nowhere. So I went back full time during the summer to reinstate myself and keep most of my scholarships. I tore my classes up and stayed on top of things until, three quarters through the session, the Sunday in July rolled around that would send reverberating shock waves through my reality. Ironically, this monumental day came three days after the first time I ever got drunk. Mind you, that evening of drunkary with three of my greatest friends remains the single greatest drinking experience I have ever had. But what was this bomb to which I allude? Well, over the previous few months, my weekend visits to home grew increasingly "off." it was the kind of different that I could sense but didn't outright recognize. This Sunday, the 19th of July, 2009 (I remember because Harry Potter came out the previous Wednesday, the 15th), I did some sleuthing, put some pieces together, and came upon the discovery that my dad had decided to become a woman. What with his being a conservative of rather traditional biblical moral integrity, this was the kind of thing I would not have anticipated. The full scope of this desire within his heart and how long it had been there was still a mystery to me. All I knew was that what I knew wasn't the truth. This led to a more broadened disbelief in most truths I had held and, while I would find certain benefits along the way, the fact is that I made a grave mistake which would lead to me doubting my perception on most fronts of life.
I had already been growing distant in my relationship with God and the father issues stemming from this unveiling drove God out of the window of my consideration. I'm not saying that everything which followed was caused by the effect of that singular incident with my dad, but it certainly was a turning point of sorts. my world began to take on graver tones, my energy left me, my ambition scattered to the wind, and my self worth slowly depreciated. I failed out of school again in the fall after I decided I was going to move to Chicago in 2010 with my brother and sister (his wife).
In part, a sense of shame dragged me down during these seasons, but in much greater part, I was loosing faith faith and trust. Not just in God (the greatest object of my faith, hope, love, trust, and devotion in my life) but in most everything else. Issues on the home front drove me from connection and trust in my family, and without them or God, I felt there was hardly anyone I could trust, including my dearest friends and even myself. I spent myself to the corners of the earth and my emotional isolation bought out stock in fear and doubt so the storefront of my life was chock-full of the poorest of investments. Many of the things I once celebrated I began to shrink from because my perception had painted the world in shades of grey.
There was one Truth that I clung to through my darkest day. Despite how distant I may have felt from it, I knew on all fronts of my mind and in the eternal core of my heart that Love was, is, and always would be the purest and most glorious truth-Ever.
This ancient flame, hardly aglow as an ember in the depths of my heart, would come to play an integral part in the seasons that followed and, ultimately, would lead me to where I am today.
Chapters turning:
I stumbled through the caves of that previous age, deceptively illuminated by the facades of fear and shame. I focused too much on what had gone awry in my life that I felt I had been led astray by others and that I had made too many mistakes for me to lead others. From the outside looking in, it should be clear that this is a self defeating cycle of thought, but that's the tricky part about perception: you only see what you choose to see.
Things began to turn around for me emotionally when I allowed myself to open up my heart, if only a smidgen, to that ancient throne of love. Through the ensuing rises and falls, stumbling into the dirt from this new found blinding light and brushing the dirt off my cuff time and time again, I began to discover that pursuing my passions was the key to unleashing my spirit and learning to dance in joy with all the beauty of the world around me.
I don't profess to hold understandings for all of the details of life; I'm coming to realize that such a quest is a fruitless endeavor, for no man can exercise control over the world around him-and this is the only outcome that would satisfy someone on such a journey.
What I do profess, however, is that we have control over our reactions to the Universe, and that it is these actions, taken moment by moment in a continuous stream, that truly define us as individuals.
So if you have ever felt your life dominated by fear, doubt, shame, anxiety, worthlessness, or any less-than-desirable condition of perception, consider that your search will be satisfied by letting a little love and faith into your world, be it loving yourself, your family, your neighbors, or having faith in your potential, your world, or perhaps even God. Sometimes what we need most is what we run the furthest away from. A lasting kingdom is never built in a day, nor does one crumble over night. All of your journeys in life are a progression, and the one's of the greatest importance are rarely the easiest or quickest to progress.
If change is something you desire, then you must be willing to look beyond what you see, and the greatest way I have found to broaden my horizons is letting Love consume me. Strive to see the world in shades of Love, and I'm convinced you'll find what you need. Such is my path.
Love,
Gabriel
